Learning From Conflict (1)

I hate conflict.  Sometimes I say that my philosophy of dealing with conflict is summed up in the Chinese parable which says, “Of the 37 different ways of handling conflict, running away is the best.”  Nevertheless conflict has sometimes given me an opportunity to grow that I would not have experienced otherwise.

After Charles and Jim left, I found myself involved in a couple of conflict situation that were quite difficult for me, yet they ended up having a profound impact on my way of thinking.  Most of the time people who engage in conflict are determined to sin.  I didn’t “win” in either of these situations.  At least I didn’t win by having my will prevail over others, but I did learn.

I see no point in rehearsing the details, but I will describe some of the dynamics. In the beginning of our ministry in Jamestown, most people were grateful for our attempts to minister in that area.  Eventually conflict arose. There was nitpicking as there always is in human relationships, but there were also some serious theological differences.

I don’t want it to sound like these people were terrible folks.  I would later learn that they had some internal issues underneath the surface, and we were catching the brunt of some of that.  

One man was pretty high tempered, and we often had verbal clashes. Once I went to visit him in his office.  We had harsh words, but to my great surprise, he invited me to go over to a coffee shop and share coffee with him.  I don’t drink coffee, but I did order a Coke.  Suddenly, his demeanor changed.  He couldn’t have been nicer.   We had a pleasant visit.

 One day he and his wife came to my office.  I’m not proud of the way I handled the discussion.  We ended up yelling at each other.  Our communication was stalled, but before he left, his demeanor changed again.  I told him, how much I admired his ability to state his position in such an aggressive manner, and then turn around and be congenial.  I’ll admit that I had trouble doing that.  I’ll never forget what he said, “It’s not personal, Norman.”  I’ve always thought he set me a great example in that respect.