Learning From Conflict (2)

There was another brother, who had different issues.   I took exception to his critical comments, especially in Bible class. Anytime he or his wife would raise a question, my defenses went up.  I almost dreaded teaching a Bible class, because I felt like I was going to be challenged.  At one point his unhappiness was so great that I asked the brothers in the church to meet with him, and excused myself because I thought I would be a lightning rod.  I felt they needed to hear his honest complaints.   A meeting was set up for a certain night.

Before the meeting took place, his wife talked with Ann.  She said, “I think we can talk where our husbands can’t.”   She told Ann about some problems her husband was having a work problem.    She said, “He’s in a position where he can’t express his feelings, so he takes it out on Norman.”   She didn’t completely let me off the hook.  She said, “Norman has taught me more than any Bible teacher I’ve ever sat under, but when I raise a question, I see his defenses go up, and I think he wishes I would just keep my mouth shut.”  

She was right about that one. Then Ann began telling me what my “non-verbal” communication was saying, so I began viewing both of them much differently.  On the day of the meeting he came by the office.  He said, “I think our wives have had a conversation, and I think you know where I’m coming from.”  I told him that I did, and I was able to respond compassionately.  He said, “Are you coming to the meeting tonight?”  I told him that I didn’t plan to.   He said, “I’d really appreciate it if you came.”  I went to the meeting.  It was congenial.   When we got to his issues, they were really small.  After that we got along. 

That taught me something about the dynamics of church work.  When you have issues with people, the subject that’s out on the table is not usually the real problem.  It’s a cover story that masks some kind of pain that’s hidden much deeper.   I also learned something about the concept of transference.  Quite often the person who is trying to help receives the blame for what others have done.  It’s not a perfect world, and life is not fair. 

 I don’t think church people are more prone to this kind of thing than others.  In the church we have such close proximity to one another, that the problems become magnified.   If you can’t learn to deal with that, you don’t need to stay in full time ministry.