My Mother Disappeared

While I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent at my grandparents’ house, Mama’s mental illness was never far from my mind.  Daddy came by every day and the reports weren’t good.    I will never forget what happened on Sunday morning.   I think it was probably sometime in early March.  It was cold and clear, probably below freezing.   Daddy came by early to announce that Mama had left the house.  He was fearful for her safety.  In my mind, I dreamed up a worst case scenario, an approach I’ve often taken to the unknown future.   I could not imagine her surviving the cold night.

Daddy left the house to organize a search party to look for her.  He stopped by Jack and Zadie Hodges' house.  Zadie was Daddy’s youngest sister.  They lived less than a half a mile away. Jack told him that he would get ready and join the search party, and Daddy went on to enlist the help of others.  

When Jack went to his car, he found Mama asleep in the back seat.  In the past, when I had walked to Jack and Zadie’s house, I would crawl over a barbed wire fence and take a short cut across the pasture that led to their house.  Apparently Mama had done that.  She was in her night gown, and I think she was barefooted.  Her gown was filled with grassburrs.  She had no memory of how she got there.  She returned home and the search was called off.

Before we got the news from Jack, I remember thinking about how I would react if I were to learn that my mother had died.  It was a strange reaction.  On the one hand, I certainly didn’t want to see her die.    I especially didn’t like the idea of her freezing to death somewhere in the wide open spaces of West Texas.   Still I couldn’t help thinking how much better off she would be if she didn’t have to deal with mental illness any more.  I guess I probably thought we would be better off if we didn’t have to deal with it.  Then I was ashamed of myself for thinking that way.