SHAME AND GUILT

Murl Bales was my father’s twin brother.  His children have always been like brothers and sisters to me.   We didn’t keep many secrets from each other, but  I tried to hide Mama’s mental illness from them.  I didn’t want anybody to know about it.

I remember a particular episode of embarrassment.  One of our teachers appealed to the students to think about encouraging their mothers to serve as “room mothers.”  Noma was quick to volunteer her mother, Etta Mae.  She said to me, “Why don’t you ask Ruby?”  I told her I couldn’t do that.  I made no attempt to explain, and I know it confused her. Apparently Daddy talked with Murl about it a few days after that because Noma told me that she understood what was going on with my mother. Noma was my best friend.  It was foolish to try to hide it from her.

I was about eleven, no more than twelve and I was enormously conflicted.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I was ashamed of my mother, and I felt guilty about being ashamed.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I just wanted to live a normal life, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t think I could talk about it with anyone.

I went on with my life, however.  I don’t think my grades suffered at school.  I participated in school activities.   In fact school was a welcome relief from the sadness in my home.   I really wanted to be an athlete.  I thought that would confirm my worth and value. 

Elmdale didn’t have a football team, but it did field a basketball team.   My folks bought me a basketball for Christmas.  I  nailed a barrel hoop to the side of the house and shot goals by the hour.  I was fairly accurate with my shots, but the rest of the game eluded me.  I didn’t have good coordination, but I had a desire to play and to win.  

At that time Elmdale only went to the eighth grade.  By this time I was in seventh grade. To allow everyone to participate, they fielded three teams. The “A” team and the “B” team took most of the real athletes. But there were still five boys who wanted to play. We became the “C” team.  We played schools from places like Ovalo and Butterfield.   We didn’t have uniforms, so we played in blue jeans and white T shirts.  We beat some of those teams that did have uniforms.  The basketball experience was an exciting outlet for me, and it took me away from chaos in my home.